La Vie En Roses is the ultra realistic waifu-tastic cock stroker with fantastically unique legendary droopy cunt lips!
Konnichiwa. I am Otaku Apologist, the Ascended Godking of Masturbation-Procrastination, King of The Andals and The First Fappers. During my reign as a racist-fascist white male sextoy reviewer, I have masturbated into many odd holes. I have sacrificed my monkey to the science of spanking, and in doing so, maximized my chances of winning the cancer lottery. There is no shortage of new self-fucking toys cuming from the promised land of Godzilla and Fukushima, thus somebody has to die for the sins of your western middle-class consumerist lifestyle. This pussy hole, called La Vie En Roses, belongs in the new wave of migrant fucktoys flooding the west, bringing us all under one, peaceful, monolithic religion of betafaggotry.
Welcome, to Otaku Apologist’s review of Magic Eyes’ La Vie En Roses onahole!
This onahole was provided for review by JLIST. Fuck yey!
Let’s check the package, what do we see? Your wanna-be waifu is dressed for the impending cock-gobbling occasion, aka. the wedding night; her hair is dyed blonde, her dress exenuates her fat, ripe bodily features. But bitch, why aren’t you fucking smiling, eh? Where is your fucking smile?! Does daddy gotta beat the smile out of you?!?! You fucking piece of meat, of course I will marry you, and fuck you, and dump a hot load deep in your slutty womb. When we’re done with tonight, I am cutting off your whorish head, ripping you apart limb from limb until it’s only your torso and pussy and ass that’s left of you. Honey, I love you. You are cute with a head, but more fuckable without.
The color of the package is pussy pink. It’s symbolic of a moist, slobbering vagina – subtle as fuck branding.
The package displays relevant information like the weight (700 grams), and advertises the double-hole feature.
I rode La Vie En Roses half a dozen times for this review. The lube I used, was the highly recommended Onatsuyu Female Nectar Lotion. The toy also comes with the standard 3-5 rides worth free lube sample. She was not my first double-hole – my first was Cute Hips DX, which for whatever reason, had that ghastly hole your cock would peek out of. It’s an important feature that your onahole is sealed at the end, so you can cum without giving a fuck. Thankfully, this toy is sealed.
The material is skin-like rubber. If you bring your face close to it, you’ll notice it has a mild oily smell – this smell is standard for most onaholes, but admittedly it’s a tad stronger on La Vie En Roses, than some of my other Japanese sextoys. The smell stays on your skin after touching it, but goes away after washing with water.
I would describe the material as flesh-jelly. It simulates the gripping feeling a real vagina provides during intercourse, with acceptable accuracy. It is no doubt manufactured in China, just like everything else we put on our bodies these days. Miraculously, the toy gave me no rash, weird lumps on my skin, or ominous flashbacks – as standard for our amazing capitalist system, companies do their absolute best to bury product safety information.
For the religion of money, an informed customer is haram.
Basically, just like every hole I’ve reviewed so far, I have no way of confirming if it’s safe for long-term use. I checked online, to find lawsuits against Magic Eyes. I wanted to know their track record of making man-killing sextoys. Disturbingly, I found not a single lawsuit. Magic Eyes is a massive profit-obsessed mega corporation, their vaults bursting with blood money to hire their own private army of hitmen to hunt down wittnesses, like Hillary Clinton’s Clinton foundation.
La Vie En Roses onahole is officially endorsed by the Queen of Chaos.
Switching between hole-filled political stances, while self-fucking with La Vie En Roses, is slick and smooth; every entering of your manhood can have factual fallacies, but rest assured: your dick is safe, the hentai corporate media VGhustler is covering for you. Lube up both sides of the bipartisan caverns, promise shit to the youth whose futures you raped. There is but a thin layer inside the toy separating the two holes – so symbolic.
That said, I did not find the inner structure to have much integrity. It felt like any other plastic asshole on the market vying for your money. It felt like a hole for bigger dicks; due to her considerable baggage, hitting the very end of “the truth”, takes a higher classification than my white working-class medium-sized prick. She isn’t particularly tight in the pussy either, not even in her ass-pussy, though that depends on the massiveness of the package you’re shoving in her mailbox.
At first I was thinking, this prick hole is nothing special. The toy is heavier on promise than the average asshole, but delivers barely a mild improvement to your sex life. Unless you are a forever-alone RSD-following fitness-obsessed serial masturbator, your jerking speed might be hamstringed.
La Vie En Roses gets a solid grade on the feeling, but no special mention. It’s a straightforward hole, with the ribs and bumps, the usual bravado. Surprisingly, her ass has twice the bumpy, complex structure, compared to her pussy. If this was your first hole, you wouldn’t be disappointed, but if you’ve followed elections for the past two decades, you might feel cheated. After all, this girl relies on its manufactured sense of realism; a real vagina rarely has the guts to take the male sexual life to the next level. There’s a reason you need long sessions of foreplay before intercourse; the technical side of fucking over a nation, is nothing special.
The above were my first thoughts about the toy. But then I thought, the professional marketer that I am, who is this product meant for? What male would like a sextoy, that’s designed to include two tunnels, is larger than average, and has but a thin layer separating the holes?
HEUREKA! This onahole is for fag couples!
Here’s the idea: you sit close together, and both of you faggots enter your penises in one of the two holes. You can grind the sweet pussy feeling, together, while your gay cocks are practically touching. Both of your glans will touch while plunging in. And when either of you unloads, the cum will flood the hole. There is a hole between the two layers, so the cum will go into both holes. You can keep jerking, with you boyfriend cuddling you, kissing you, with his hot jizz acting as extra lube for your still erect pecker. You can keep fucking until both of you have unloaded your balls a satisfactory number of times.
Unfortunately, lacking a boyfriend, I have not tested this in practice, but in theory, it should work perfectly, kind of like capitalism before the deregulation of the banks.
When you get into onaholes, the first ones you’ll try, are probably the safe, boring ones. Your first felt pretty good, she left an impression you’ll never forget, like an imprint of her face in your loving, longing heart. That imprint is like the soft caress of a fallout, triggering irradiated inflammation of the arteries that slowly burns your cells till you’re a human trashbag dotted by black lumps of cancer.
Thus, because love is fickle, a man is never satisfied tasting just one type of pussy; you wanna be the FUCKING MAN. You want to try gimmick holes that give your penis special feels. And that is how you become a victim of the Onahole Industrial Complex; buy one, buy two, gotta catch ’em all.
You can give the toy some squeezes, to target hot spots on your glans. Often, the nerves are concentrated on specific places, and they receive the stimulation of touch differently. Some spots activate after prolonged stimulation. I recommend a warm up before using this onahole, to get your mind in the mood for fantasizing. The longer you prolong the moment of release, the more nerves will have activated, thus your orgasm will be more intense. With onaholes, I have seldom been able to prolong the moment of release; there’s something too primal about the feeling of pussy wrapping around your inseminator.
Cumming into La Vie En Roses feels okay, as there’s enough breathing room for your glans to expunge fluids. Tighter onaholes can have this issue, that upon the moment of cumming, the rubber constricts too hard for the release to be satisfying. The cumshots I have with La Vienne Roses, I rate at medium velocity.
I feel like this toy is very average in effectiveness – you have to be gay, or in the market specifically for an ultra realistic double-hole, to find this one to your liking. What its durability is, I cannot say. I can’t ride an onahole 50 times to see if it breaks, I’m regrettably not paid per cumshot. In theory, an onahole can last for years. I can easily see this one being reusable half a hundred times if you take good care of it, don’t go crazy with abusing it, and store it properly after each use. “Proper” in this context means a dry storage facility with ventilation from at least cracks in the wood.
The lifespan of sextoys is greatly reduced, if you don’t clean them. Cleaning La Vie En Roses, takes an average amount of time; it’s not the fastest, because you have two holes to clean, which both extend deep, sealed at the end. Put the toy under a tap, let running water flood the insides. Do this for at least 60-120 seconds. Shove a finger in to test whether there’s spills left from your cum-lube yoghurt. When you feel only water on the pussy walls, cut the tap and tip her over, let the bulk of the water come out. Squeeze her gently.
For drying, you need some equipment; personally I use a glove made of thin white fabric, to absorb the moisture. I shove a finger in, swish around, and pull out. Then another finger. After about three fingers worth of touchy-feely, most of the wetness will be absorbed by the glove. The rest of the water will evaporate naturally in normal room temperature. Rub her around with a towel, store in a clean, dry place.
Punch my face and buy, and/or write my discount code at checkout. JIZZ MONEY NOW!!!!