This year 2016, marks a historic shift in global attitudes. A new power is rising. This movement, is an uprising of our innate collective human yearning for freedom, to masturbate how we wish. The JLIST BOX is a historic crossroads, on this path to ultimate sexualization of everything.
The JLIST BOX November edition was shipped to me straight from Japan, Gunma, where JLIST Ltd is located. However, the path of this box was not straight. Rather, it was crooked and flamboyantly homosexual. The roots of this conspiracy date back all the way to Summer 2016, when our family was selling our house. My life and business had gotten infinitely better faster than I thought possible, but everything was a huge mess like in the aftermath of World War 2, and the God of Chaos was slapping me around, like I was the anime girl in the middle of tentacle rape. The stage was set for a Shakesperian tragedy.
It had been the longest year of my life. In only 6 months, my popularity and income had skyrocketed, then VGHustler almost went defunct, my Tumblr was banned, my core freelancers evaporated. My mother lost her job, our family sold our house, we packed the car, and on the 911 memorial day, we drove to our new home in a new city. Worst summer ever.
The next weeks, I was in a daze like Obama just droned my family. I was contemplating internet suicide, when on the final days of September, I was contacted by JLIST’s public relations person on twitter. It was revealed to me, that they wanted me to shill a new item in their online store. This item, was called the JLIST BOX.
However, because I had recently moved, my address had changed. And although I informed JLIST of the change to my shipping address, the PR person had left the company, and my message wasn’t delivered. The shipping address on the box remained my old address.
When I learned that my old address was on the box, I sighed and shrugged, and started calling places. I called the customs office, the post office, I called the customs office again, I sent three emails. It took me a week to be told, I can’t change the shipping address as the recipent of the shipment. The last person I spoke to on the phone, I screamed in his ear.
When I finally had the information, I told JLIST to email the post office – or the customs, I forget which – with a list of theirs and my information, I paid the 24% toll, and the package was delivered to a nearby kiosk. And lo and behold…
My laptop hard-drive has gigabytes of porn, tens of hentai games, my room bursts with sextoys. I can only spend some hours on each product before another release or shipment arrives. There’s lube, rubber pussy, dildos and vibrators littering tables everywhere I watch. People that visit us, see everything, because I don’t give a fuck. Just like eating dick is work to Obama’s hot dogs, jacking off is my job. Otaku Apologist is the Godking of Masturbation-Procrastination. I cannot be bribed with free toys, because I am the boytoy.
Let us dig in, and brace ourselves to hear the forgotten legend, of the JLIST BOX.
The JLIST BOX is the beginning of an era. The contents of this box change every month, and the total value of items is advertised on JLIST’s site to surpass over 100 dollars. The box retails for $79.00, creating a mind-breaking storm of discounts for the animefappers. But, before we call this product one slam-dunk XxXmas gift for your middle-class mommy and daddy, let us hold a moment of prayer for the poor children in Africa, who will never indulge in premium sex boxes.
Fuck the children. The JLIST BOX has tons of items thrown together and packaged neatly. So when going into making a purchase, you have to consider, how many of these items are fodder, and which items bring actual value to your sad, apathetic, masturbational life. After all, $79.00 would buy a full-course blowjob experience from a prostitute.
GOOD QUESTION! How does the JLIST BOX compare to a real woman’s wet, gaping mouth?!
The box comes with a looong list of items. The core products are the ones that survive in use the longest; the lube bottle, and the limited run Re:Zero Rem onahole made by the premium onahole crafter ToysHeart.
The onahole, is good. It’s a very pragmatic design, not made to look pretty. There’s no labia or clitoris to create a sense of immersion; it’s just a silky-soft hole.
If you’ve never bought an onahole before, they are basically rubber sleeves that mimic alien vaginas. You lube it, shove your shaft in, and bop it up and down on your inseminator. It feels kind of nice. Yes, it can feel better than your hand, if your toy is the dank. And if you’re a couple, you can make all sorts of plays with toys – it’s the age of big data, I have the metrics, we’re all perverts.
Many companies push out new onahole designs every month. Thus we get a slew of toys that attempt at creatively breaking the formula. The Re:Zero hole does not have a regenerating hymen, nor is it shaped like a mouth, etc. This toy is just a solid hole that creates a cock-licking vacuum when you plug it with your cock. The entry hole is tight, while the inner structure is roomy.
The box comes with a total of four DVDs. Two came with the porn magazine, and were locked for region 2. My laptop couldn’t play them. But this is no issue, for those of you readers who no doubt have your DVD players set for region 2, because you are convicted Japanophiles.
The random hentai DVD and the JAV (japanese adult video) were regionless. The hentai DVD was complete trash. It was some magical tale of bug-rape, 30 minutes long. 15 minutes of it were narrated still images, and worthless story. The animation seemed to be from late 80s, not exactly the golden era of hentai anime.
The JAV DVD was about office ladies. The cocks and cunt were censored, naturally. I spent a bathroom break’s length screening the contents, and found the content very vanilla, non-befitting of my sophisticated fapping tastes. The girls were quite pretty, and the men gladly not as cancerous as the tattooed testo-monster hunks in western porn. It was a pleasent change of pace, but not quite my tempo. The total length of the flick was two hours.
Oh, the gentleman’s magazine where the two region-locked DVDs came from? An ecchi lingerie release. It depicted some fine-looking females, in some fuck scenes and a couple creampies. The pages read like a comic book, telling a story, or possibly featuring an interview with the ladies – I cannot read Japanese, so I wouldn’t know. Genitals were pixelated, because in 2016, Japan is still very communist. The page count was 60 pages. The magazine also came with the two region-locked DVDs, and a set of women’s panties. Much fetish, very exquisite, WOW!!
The free panties are soft, and mildly transparent, for very small waist sizes. My guess is, you are not supposed to wear them. Other uses for a set of panties might include… whatever your mind can conjure. Nendo-ch an made a home from them!
Finally, the little stuff: The Tenga egg, and the Tenga Sperm Count Kit, and the Oppai Keychain.
Let’s look at the final bits here, starting with the Tenga Egg. The Tenga Eggs are one-time use onaholes, which you fuck and cum inside – as you can see, it’s got some bumps that caress your glans upon penetration. These things are popular in Japan, perhaps not so popular in the west, where we like our sextoys with a little more lastivity. Tenga is heralded as the premium of the premium in the field of Japanese sextoys. Did you know the founder of Tenga, Koichi Matsumoto, used to be an auto mechanic? Tenga’s almost futuristic sextoy designs help the Japanese disassociate from the social shame they feel about their genitals, and masturbation.
The Tenga Men’s Loupe sperm checker kit, is the most exciting item in the box. What, you think staring at my own sperm swimming, is not about checking on my male health? No. You are a bigot, and I am not talking to you. I don’t owe you my time, or my attention. My body, my rules, not my president.
The Oppai Keychain is a soft rubber tit that you can attach to your home keys. I’m wondering which contemporary society this would be acceptable in. I think the idea is the kink factor, of having something so massively shameful in your pocket, hiding in plain sight. It’s like having a vibrator stuffed in your ass, while serving customers at the super market.
Fucking much free stuff, oh my god the sick values, mang.
The November edition box sold out. But this is all you can look forward to in your order. The contents switch every month, and the December edition boxes ship this month. Be part of history; see what’s in the box.